I'd Post Your Pictures/Articles if You Will Send Them, But I'd Rather Post Jokes

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog. I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both..

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.!!!!

SPOOKTACULAR HAUNT TEST 2009

POST MORTEM by James A. Eustace, amateur exorcist


The Hex of Halloween hailed its ugly head early as a death in the family forced Hiram Stanfill (and horses for all braces except Sat JH) to disappear from the judges’ panel. A desperate call to the AKC and a mad scramble saved the day – new judges were assigned and those without horses agreed to walk the braces. Yes, the show could go on.

Mike Carmody arrived early to help Todd set up the grounds, clean and fill water barrels and prepare the Course. A rip in the time/space continuum swept the grounds and other club members did not arrive until the sky had turned inky black. As each team arrived they were greeted with blustery winds, soaking rains and an icy breath on the backs of their necks. Fortunately Todd’s efforts to blend with the season kept the malevolence at bay. His house and trailer spots were warm and friendly and soon all gathered ‘round the roaring fire to capture the many spirits present and drown them in gastric acid. The battle continued, the potions kept coming; only through extreme personal sacrifice were all spirits eventually downed.

The next morning broke clear and cold, the chill penetrating deep into the soul. All around us were bats and cats, Baskerville hounds and evil eight-foot birds. Todd whipped up salty swine with fungi-filled balls left on an open shelf until they bloated, then tossed into a Devil’s haven. Surprisingly, they tasted pretty good. As we attempted to get to the test grounds, we were met with barricaded roads warning us to Turn Back and Go No Further. Only the strong of heart made it to the start line. A quick look around revealed that the birds and bird box expected at the start-line had vanished without a trace. Pulling us back from the brink of Doom, Todd leapt into action, captured more, and planted the first brace (leaving a cross on the box as a precaution).

As the Judges (Todd and Jim) started the Master braces, a chilling wail was heard midway on the back course. The handlers weren’t far from the start, an eerie shudder spread through the field; “Aaoooooooo”; both Master dogs were stricken with lunacy and had to be picked up. One team after the other fell to the Back Course Curse, until little Edie (with Lisa) approached. Lisa and the tiny Edie took a new tactic. Having identified the wail as that of Marie Laveau the Voodoo Queen, she quickly conjured a distraction and successfully blew past the possessed parcel. Both did a marvelous job in the bird field, earning yet another Master leg. Edie now has more legs than a couple of Giant Tarantulas. Scott and Coin took heart (with a stake through it). Coin was draped with the most beautiful green garlic collar and Scott was loaded with silver blanks. Knowing the supernatural is drawn to movement, their tactic was to go slow, carefully working their way through the back course and into the bird field – success! Coin’s third Master leg was achieved.

Scoffing at “superstitions” the Senior handlers gave no mind to the Muck Majesty. After what seemed an eternity of waiting, the gunners (Mike Currey, Mike Carmody and Chet Chandler) began to despair and feared the Senior dogs and handlers had disappeared in some Evil Morass. On several occasions Mike was seen disappearing into the woods. Eventually the other gunners became suspicious he may be secretly meeting with the Heir of Wickedness as a wicked air persisted. Reality of fate proved too much as the bird field saw neither hide nor hair of many. Those that did make it fell to the spell of the quail.

Jim and Todd, crushed by this Spectre’s bloodlust for fine hunting dogs, gave way to a new set of judges (Wayne James and Molly). Wayne, being from Alabama, was familiar with all kinds of weird and backward creatures. Having nothing to fear, or so they thought, they saddled up and dared the Bayou Bawd to interfere with the JH braces. They stared in bewilderment and stark terror as only three (Vern’s Journey, Jim’s Elle and Cody’s Riley) made it successfully out of the field. A diabolical game too strong for mere mortal judges was afoot.

Post test, Todd, Molly and Jim went deep into the bog, seeking out this menace. Upon contact with her they found the conditions for her non-interference exacted a terrible price – flesh. Jim lost more of his great looking hair, Molly, who had been targeted for some time now, has been stripped of 42 pounds and Todd, threatened with the loss of his special purpose, was forced to make a deal. For the promise of a June wedding Marie gave him great wealth and vast lands. As shotguns would most likely be required for the June event, Vern quickly organized a Turkey Shoot as a pre-qualifier.

That evening the night’s potions quickly overpowered the day’s participants. It drove sane men mad, and in a stupored trance many were possessed to reenact every episode of South Park. The evil atmosphere persisted deep into the moonless night until the demonic poisoning finally took its toll and all fell into a comatose state.

Marla was the first to recover, preparing a hearty breakfast of sliced cloven hoofed beast and psychotic immature chicks (they were really mixed up). With that sticking to our ribs we were off once again. The previous day’s weather persisted, as did the Curse. Gail with Hank took the Boggish Banshee head on, driving the Phantom back until a flawless performance in the bird field allowed her to escape. Molly, through research the night prior, cast a spell on Opal. Flying like a bat out of hell Opal hunted to the bird field unscathed. While some thought Mike might have been meeting with the Lady of the Night, he was actually setting a Trap. Unable to penetrate the quagmire set by Mike, the Swamp Spectre succumbed to the fumes and was unable to thwart neither Hank nor Opal. Extremely angered; “Aaaaoooooo” again; a darkness fell and another four Masters and six Seniors fell to the Hag’s Hex. Todd screamed out, “Pluck you, you Evil Witch” and was immediately stripped of his riches, land, and special purpose.

Stephanie Kleinman, a judge from the English Moors, recognized the bewitched bottomland and courageously dared to change the JH course. A true Savior, as we watched while nine out of ten of the Junior Dogs received a qualifying leg. We rejoiced as the curse and spirits were lifted!

Even though the weekend was filled with ghostly gasps, it was really ghoul. The Grim Reaper took no trophies; all dogs and handlers lived to run another day and our Judges survived the reenactment of Bataan Death March. We say thank you very much to them – as well as to all the volunteers whose hard work made the event possible. Special thanks to Vern and Betsy for organizing the Turkey Shoot, congratulations to Betsy and Scott as the closest to the mark, taking the booty and the Wild Turkey respectively. The final tally shows the test, shoot, sale of birds, auction of the field and lunch netted $554.72.

Congratulations to Gail Larson on finishing her requirements to become a Senior/Junior Hunter Judge and to Molly on her qualification as a Junior Hunter Judge; also to Molly and Scott who have now earned the required MH legs (both still need apprenticeships) to become Master Hunter judges. Last but certainly not least, congratulations go to our new Junior Hunter Titlists: Vicki and Whitney, Vern and Journey, and Molly and Riley who all completed their final requirements at this Test!

This one will be hard to top. Until next year, Happy Haunting!

11 Rules for Dog World Success

1. Never win too much. Make sure you lose regularly. People "like" losers. It's much easier too be supportive of the "loser" than it is the "winner".

2. For goodness sake don't have a good breeding program. If you produce good dogs on a regular basis people will pick apart your breeding and then tell you later "how far you've come from when you started". Of course they will forget all the dogs you've finished because you couldn't possibly have a breeding program as good as theirs.

3. Do not have an opinion. Not on anything. Not even the weather. People do not like people who have opinions. Especially if your opinion might be right. If someone asks your opinion ask them what they had for lunch.

4. Always remember that AKC Judges are God. Kiss their butts regularly. Tell them how good they look. Ask them if they've lost weight or if they have been on vacation because that tan they are sporting just makes them look so healthy.

5. If you are interested in your National Breed Club join it before anyone knows who you are. And once you join make sure you volunteer to do anything from parking cars to picking up dog poop. Just do it and smile and let the Clubs use you until you think you have nothing left to give and then go volunteer for more.

6. Always support every request for donations. Give these people money until you realize that you've reached into your pockets so much that you now have holes in them.

7. Do not ever discuss another dog with another single individual. Not even your mother. People do not like people who can critique a dog and do it in a way that references their breed standard. So do not on penalty of death ever say a word about any other dog. If anyone asks you just smile and tell them that it was the most impressive dog you have ever seen even as it's limping out of the show ring.

8. Do not make friends. This is the primary rule of survival in the this sport. So keep this one close to you at all times because even the people you believe to be your friends will grab a wet towel and twist it up and snap you on the butt just too keep you in line.

9. Do not even think that you know how to groom your dogs. Do not even dare to advise anyone how to groom a dog. If someone asks lie to them and tell them you just throw them in the bathtub and let them dry off on their own and then just shake your head a lot. Then shrug your shoulders and act like you are a complete imbecile when it comes to grooming. If they comment on how good the dog looks thank them and say you don't know how it happened and you wished it happened more often.

10. And the primary rule is never tell the truth. Lie as often as you can to anyone who will listen. Tell them exactly what they want to hear so that when they walk away from you they are smiling and telling everyone else how smart you are to realize how smart they are.

11. Never ever ever let anyone think that you have come all the way in this sport on your own. Give everyone else the credit for your success and stand there like you have your thumb up your butt while you blow the hot air up their skirt. No one likes anyone who succeeds on their own so pretend like you owe everybody for your achievements. Heck act like they were in the maternity ward when you were born.

Keep all those rules and then just smile a lot and nod at everyone and you'll end up being treated like the smartest person in your breed and the village idiot at the same time.

FYI: Starting a Puppy: Part II

Part II of Bob West's Article

A couple days back we talked about starting a new puppy, with the intention of working through a series on the subject. Last time we jumped the track to deal with requests for help with "gun sensitivity"; that done, let's go back to helping our new dog get started on the path to becoming a successful hunting and/or competitive field dog.

This time, we'll emphasize early training or "yard work" to be sure we establish a solid base as we move our wonder dog along.

Training objectives

In the beginning it is important to remember our pup has no idea of what's going on. With a mishmash of new sounds and pushing and pulling, none of which make any sense to our pup, "training" can be downright confusing if not done correctly.

Our first objective is to help the dog understand the parameters of a desired response in a positive way, being sure to avoid confusion as we define what is expected. Realize also, we're hoping to nurture a learning kind of mentality, setting the mode for future development, where the pup can enjoy and look forward to work/training.

During this learning phase, most good trainers use very little pressure and for the most part don't overlay command words until the pup begins to comply. In early training some trainers use an "avoidance" technique or approach to training, then after commands are understood/learned, correction or punishment can be brought in to discourage disobedience.

Avoidance technique involves light pressure--emphasis on light--that is released as the dog responds correctly.

A big benefit with avoidance training is that the pressure or discomfort to the dog is more of a subtle irritation rather than pain. During learning, subtle pressure is less likely to overwhelm and "wash away" any comprehension or inhibit progress because of fear of correction rather than focus on learning.

When using avoidance your dog will soon learn to escape the discomfort by a correct response, which is supported by praise and reinforcement from the trainer. And as training progresses your dog gains confidence along with an understanding that it is possible to totally avoid any discomfort by a quick response to commands. This is where you begin to overlay or associate a "command word" or sound to become a cue to this response.

Examples of commands where we don't first associate the cue word or sound are those associated with teaching the dog to heel or sit…in fact, most commands. It does no good to use a word cue before you get some compliance. Think about it--while your pup is new to the lead and fighting it all the way, what good would it do to start yelling, "HEEL…HEEL"? He's not even listening and he's not doing what you want, so he doesn't understand…the only possibility is associating the cue word with confusion, pain, or the wrong response. Thus, while teaching the basics you're better served keeping your mouth shut at the beginning.

So, although it's not always possible, where we can we'll use avoidance methods and when not, a gentle blend of correction and praise to establish parameters and encourage the desired response. Only after it's certain commands are understood will we begin to elevate levels of distraction and reinforcement to ensure obedience in all situations.

Fundamental Commands

I've often said, "If he won't obey you on a four-foot lead, he'll surely not obey you at 100 yards," so if your problem's been some macho misconception that yard work is sissy stuff, forget it. No matter what your goal--a companion house dog, a hunting partner or a top field trial contender--it all starts the same.

NO and KENNEL

"NO!" isn't a command we set up with specific drills to teach or enforce, like KENNEL; it's learned early as a part of everyday socialization and later reinforced in proportion to understanding to gain obedience.

NO is a real command, however, with only one meaning but endless uses; it simply means, "Stop what you're doing." NO is also one of the very few commands where we associate the cue sound at the beginning.

Teaching NO is not like teaching typical action commands; here we begin overlaying the word cue as a command from the start. When you want to stop pup from chewing your shoelace, barking or any other undesirable action, give the command and you'll be surprised how soon he understands, stops and turns to you for direction and approval.

Don't forget a little praise for the correct response, but also realize this proof of understanding obligates you to stronger reinforcement when your pup chooses to disobey.

"No," along with all the other commands, is fundamental to developing a good citizen and field champion alike. Proper use of each tool enhances your foundation in the building and handling of a working dog.

The reward is worth the effort it takes to be consistent. A time will come when you're able to stop the dog even before an action, simply because the command "NO" is in place and you've learned to read body language and expression, to anticipate each move.

Also remember that training basics are far more dynamic than sit and roll over; we're developing a working relationship, a learning mode, gaining a respect and understanding for each other, literally developing our foundation. Even at this point you can see the importance and how a program without these fundamentals can't be dependable.

Caution: When reinforcing NO, it's generally not a good idea to "pop" a young gun dog with rolled newspaper, thereby avoiding the chance of his later associating the loud pop of a shotgun as a negative.

KENNEL means to pass through, go into, or get up on whatever is indicated by our hand or arm gesturing. Again, it has several uses yet a clear meaning. It's totally ridiculous to have individual commands for table, boat, truck, door, kennel, etc.

Our dogs read body language better than we do, so use this to your advantage. When you give the KENNEL command, help the dog understand. Use a little pressure at first, overlay the command as you begin to get the correct reaction and praise his correct response.

The kennel box is a good place to start. Run a lead through from the back and out the open door, then attach the lead to your dog's collar with him sitting near the opening. As you give the KENNEL command, have a friend tighten the lead to direct the dog in; at the same time you might give a pinch or push his rump with your hand, then praise him for going in.

It's important the dog remains kenneled until a release command is given, like "Okay."

Never let your dog come back out on his own; if he tries, bump his nose with the back of your hand and repeat KENNEL. "Kennel" means to go in and stay until released; do not say, "KENNEL, STAY," but keep it clean, with one command per action.

Another idea as we expand the meaning of KENNEL is to get up on something, using an ottoman or similar low, flat-topped object. This idea works especially well with young dogs.

Attach a short lead to his collar, then call his name and pat the top of a low table or platform. A slight pull on the lead will not only direct but help leverage his climb.

There's no problem with using an excited tone to help give confidence, and don't forget the praise. Then reinforce with KENNEL while being sure the dog remains atop the table until released with "Okay." Once the dog seems to understand the lead pressure and you patting the tabletop, begin using KENNEL to initiate his action.

As always, use your imagination to create other scenarios and opportunities to enhance training. Be consistent and stick with it, and you'll see results soon.

New Toyota Commercial

FYI: Starting a Puppy: PART I

By Bob West

Things to think about.

This is going to be an exciting and interesting spring and summer. I have a new pick-of-the-litter puppy coming, and it's the first pup I've started from the beginning in several years. Recently I've taken the easy way of choosing prospects after they've reached four or five months of age.

Of course in choosing an older pup you have to be certain you're dealing with folks who understand the importance of socialization and early development, and you have to be willing to pay the price for an older pup. But the bottom line is that you can see pretty much what you're getting with indications of strengths and weaknesses being more evident.

In any case I'm starting from square one with this pup; I'd bet I'm not the only one with a new pup. So I thought we might share some ideas and reasoning around the first few months' objectives and do what we can to prepare our pup for the days ahead.

Early efforts require a very positive guiding, directing, encouraging mode of training blended with exercise and socialization to the things and places your dog will work in and around as training progresses, then later while hunting or trialing.

Along with socialization, fundamental training is critical, but only in proportion and at the correct time. It's not uncommon to see folks having problems with older dogs simply because they have pushed them too fast and/or taken shortcuts around early developmental work. An example of this would be early steadiness or other obedience drills before pups understand the world around them and have had time to realize their inherent instincts and simply discover that they're predators.
Let's not make that mistake.

"Where did you say we're going?" As we begin with a new pup our efforts should be of a nurturing, guiding manner…helping the pup learn about new places and things as we begin to build a solid foundation for future training.

Socialization: Exposure To People, Places and Things

Behavioral studies indicate a key period of socialization for puppies to humans is from six to eight weeks. This is when the mother normally weans the puppies and they become more independent. Believe it or not, a pup's nervous system reaches the structural and functional capacities of an adult by this time, so he's ready to learn and intensive socialization should begin.

Most agree somewhere between six and eight weeks is the ideal time to place puppies in new homes for further socialization to humans as well as beginning housebreaking and other training. So somewhere around seven weeks you should plan on bringing your pup home. The precise day is not critical, but what you do from there on is.

Happy experiences during the puppy's first few days in the new home will have a lasting and positive effect as it develops. Give your pup lots of attention and affection and begin using the pup's name; be consistent and you'll soon see a response.

Let pup explore while you supervise from a distance. If he damages something or has an accident, you can only punish or speak harshly when he's caught in the act. The only thing a puppy learns from untimely punishment is fear of you.

Now is a good time to begin introducing very basic commands like "No" and "Kennel. "Gradually introduce new people, a few at a time who know your objective is building the pup's confidence. Puppies who are gently handled by different people usually develop friendly and trusting attitudes toward people in general.

Continue to expand the pup's environment by going for walks in the neighborhood and meeting more people and other dogs, along with lots of new sights and sounds. These walks, on a lead, are not only good for social behavior; they're great exercise.

Exposing our pup to a variety of environments is the best way to build a solid foundation for training.

Putting your puppy in situations where he can't lose helps build confidence and minimizes future behavior problems. If you see concern for loud noise or storms, divert his attention to something fun and exciting. If the pup senses you're not in the least bit worried he will soon share that attitude and pay no attention to the noise. On the other hand, your showing concern will only reinforce the pup's concern.

Thinking about the responsibility we've accepted and our potential effect on this pup's development may spook you a bit, but don't worry; you'll make it. I feel what's really important is personal enrichment as you work through the puppy project along with experiencing the "emotional roller coaster" of joys and disappointments related to owning, training and handling sporting dogs. Puppies and their owners can learn a lot from each other.

Let's get back to our pup's development. Along about now might be a good time to introduce the training table, but for grooming rather than training. Begin with short grooming sessions; if your pup fusses make him stand calmly, then reward correct behavior with a little praise.

Most pups like the attention, enjoy being groomed and soon reason the table is a good place to be--which is key to future training. Early on you should introduce the kennel and begin to associate the command sound/cue.

Say "Kennel" each time you put your pup inside and gradually increase the separation time as he adjusts to being left alone. If you keep the pup indoors, a crate is a must from day one.

Travel might be the next logical step. At first take short trips and reward your pup with a run in the field or something exciting and fun. If your pup's only ride is to the veterinarian, he may think travel is a bad deal. Always confine your pup to a travel kennel; it's safer for both you and the dog.

For the first few rides you may want to wait a couple of hours after feeding, as some puppies experience motion sickness and a full stomach only aggravates the problem. Even so, most are okay after a few rides and happily bound for the car when they see an open door.

As you introduce your puppy to his new home, remember that the instincts every dog inherits must be tempered to help him interact appropriately with people and other animals. Proper socialization can be thought of as the mortar that bonds and reinforces each element of any good training program.

All family members should cooperate in establishing a code of conduct for the pup. This will help the pup understand it must obey rules of the house, so everyone must be consistent in reprimands. Eye contact and a firm "No" usually deter undesired actions; if not, a gentle shake by the loose skin sends a stronger signal.

It's best to use the positive approach whenever possible; your job is to guide and direct, so helping your pup develop good habits rather than trying to correct bad ones is a better way.

Remember the good ones are eager to please, yet have an inner drive that will test you all the way. But stay with it, as they also thrive on praise. And remember, your guidance through early development is critical to their becoming solid citizens and valued hunting companions. In upcoming issues we will continue with proper introduction to the hunting/trialing environment, as well as more on disciplined yard work.

Part II: Coming Soon!

In Loving Memory of Roxy

Vern asked me to post this message --

Did you ever wonder why it hurts more to lose a dog than a good friend? I have been thinking about this a lot today. We are going to have our vet put our dog to sleep tomorrow. She is only seven and has been such a good dog she deserves a long life. She has helped raise the two dogs we have brought into our house after her. She taught them the rules of the house and how to swim. They were Shorthairs and larger than her but she would run with them and rough house with them. If they did anything wrong during the day she was was looking guilty when I came home. If I scolded them she was hurt. They were her babies. I only saw her angry once. The Doberman that was pushing her had gone too far. When she backed that dog up she was so proud of herself. The other time I saw her that proud was when we were training with a group of Shorthairs at Vicki's. We shot a bird over her and she carried it to where the other dogs were staked out. She paraded back and forth to let them know she could retreive too. Roxy was the other liver and white dog at most all of the Panhandle club events for the past few years. She was the little fat girl.

In answer to my original question I think as humans we know we will die. Your friend understands this every day. I don't think our dogs know that they are saying goodbye forever. I wish we could let her know we will remember her the rest of our lives.

Vern and Betsy Phillips