POST MORTEM by James A. Eustace, amateur exorcist
The Hex of Halloween hailed its ugly head early as a death in the family forced Hiram Stanfill (and horses for all braces except Sat JH) to disappear from the judges’ panel. A desperate call to the AKC and a mad scramble saved the day – new judges were assigned and those without horses agreed to walk the braces. Yes, the show could go on.
Mike Carmody arrived early to help Todd set up the grounds, clean and fill water barrels and prepare the Course. A rip in the time/space continuum swept the grounds and other club members did not arrive until the sky had turned inky black. As each team arrived they were greeted with blustery winds, soaking rains and an icy breath on the backs of their necks. Fortunately Todd’s efforts to blend with the season kept the malevolence at bay. His house and trailer spots were warm and friendly and soon all gathered ‘round the roaring fire to capture the many spirits present and drown them in gastric acid. The battle continued, the potions kept coming; only through extreme personal sacrifice were all spirits eventually downed.
The next morning broke clear and cold, the chill penetrating deep into the soul. All around us were bats and cats, Baskerville hounds and evil eight-foot birds. Todd whipped up salty swine with fungi-filled balls left on an open shelf until they bloated, then tossed into a Devil’s haven. Surprisingly, they tasted pretty good. As we attempted to get to the test grounds, we were met with barricaded roads warning us to Turn Back and Go No Further. Only the strong of heart made it to the start line. A quick look around revealed that the birds and bird box expected at the start-line had vanished without a trace. Pulling us back from the brink of Doom, Todd leapt into action, captured more, and planted the first brace (leaving a cross on the box as a precaution).
As the Judges (Todd and Jim) started the Master braces, a chilling wail was heard midway on the back course. The handlers weren’t far from the start, an eerie shudder spread through the field; “Aaoooooooo”; both Master dogs were stricken with lunacy and had to be picked up. One team after the other fell to the Back Course Curse, until little Edie (with Lisa) approached. Lisa and the tiny Edie took a new tactic. Having identified the wail as that of Marie Laveau the Voodoo Queen, she quickly conjured a distraction and successfully blew past the possessed parcel. Both did a marvelous job in the bird field, earning yet another Master leg. Edie now has more legs than a couple of Giant Tarantulas. Scott and Coin took heart (with a stake through it). Coin was draped with the most beautiful green garlic collar and Scott was loaded with silver blanks. Knowing the supernatural is drawn to movement, their tactic was to go slow, carefully working their way through the back course and into the bird field – success! Coin’s third Master leg was achieved.
Scoffing at “superstitions” the Senior handlers gave no mind to the Muck Majesty. After what seemed an eternity of waiting, the gunners (Mike Currey, Mike Carmody and Chet Chandler) began to despair and feared the Senior dogs and handlers had disappeared in some Evil Morass. On several occasions Mike was seen disappearing into the woods. Eventually the other gunners became suspicious he may be secretly meeting with the Heir of Wickedness as a wicked air persisted. Reality of fate proved too much as the bird field saw neither hide nor hair of many. Those that did make it fell to the spell of the quail.
Jim and Todd, crushed by this Spectre’s bloodlust for fine hunting dogs, gave way to a new set of judges (Wayne James and Molly). Wayne, being from Alabama, was familiar with all kinds of weird and backward creatures. Having nothing to fear, or so they thought, they saddled up and dared the Bayou Bawd to interfere with the JH braces. They stared in bewilderment and stark terror as only three (Vern’s Journey, Jim’s Elle and Cody’s Riley) made it successfully out of the field. A diabolical game too strong for mere mortal judges was afoot.
Post test, Todd, Molly and Jim went deep into the bog, seeking out this menace. Upon contact with her they found the conditions for her non-interference exacted a terrible price – flesh. Jim lost more of his great looking hair, Molly, who had been targeted for some time now, has been stripped of 42 pounds and Todd, threatened with the loss of his special purpose, was forced to make a deal. For the promise of a June wedding Marie gave him great wealth and vast lands. As shotguns would most likely be required for the June event, Vern quickly organized a Turkey Shoot as a pre-qualifier.
That evening the night’s potions quickly overpowered the day’s participants. It drove sane men mad, and in a stupored trance many were possessed to reenact every episode of South Park. The evil atmosphere persisted deep into the moonless night until the demonic poisoning finally took its toll and all fell into a comatose state.
Marla was the first to recover, preparing a hearty breakfast of sliced cloven hoofed beast and psychotic immature chicks (they were really mixed up). With that sticking to our ribs we were off once again. The previous day’s weather persisted, as did the Curse. Gail with Hank took the Boggish Banshee head on, driving the Phantom back until a flawless performance in the bird field allowed her to escape. Molly, through research the night prior, cast a spell on Opal. Flying like a bat out of hell Opal hunted to the bird field unscathed. While some thought Mike might have been meeting with the Lady of the Night, he was actually setting a Trap. Unable to penetrate the quagmire set by Mike, the Swamp Spectre succumbed to the fumes and was unable to thwart neither Hank nor Opal. Extremely angered; “Aaaaoooooo” again; a darkness fell and another four Masters and six Seniors fell to the Hag’s Hex. Todd screamed out, “Pluck you, you Evil Witch” and was immediately stripped of his riches, land, and special purpose.
Stephanie Kleinman, a judge from the English Moors, recognized the bewitched bottomland and courageously dared to change the JH course. A true Savior, as we watched while nine out of ten of the Junior Dogs received a qualifying leg. We rejoiced as the curse and spirits were lifted!
Even though the weekend was filled with ghostly gasps, it was really ghoul. The Grim Reaper took no trophies; all dogs and handlers lived to run another day and our Judges survived the reenactment of Bataan Death March. We say thank you very much to them – as well as to all the volunteers whose hard work made the event possible. Special thanks to Vern and Betsy for organizing the Turkey Shoot, congratulations to Betsy and Scott as the closest to the mark, taking the booty and the Wild Turkey respectively. The final tally shows the test, shoot, sale of birds, auction of the field and lunch netted $554.72.
Congratulations to Gail Larson on finishing her requirements to become a Senior/Junior Hunter Judge and to Molly on her qualification as a Junior Hunter Judge; also to Molly and Scott who have now earned the required MH legs (both still need apprenticeships) to become Master Hunter judges. Last but certainly not least, congratulations go to our new Junior Hunter Titlists: Vicki and Whitney, Vern and Journey, and Molly and Riley who all completed their final requirements at this Test!
This one will be hard to top. Until next year, Happy Haunting!
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